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Courtroom jokes

  
Requested in Society & Nature by Argo
edited by MC Hacker

14 Jokes

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Attorney: Is your appearance today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I normally dress when I go to work.
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Attorney: Can you describe the individual for us?
Witness: About medium height with a beard.
Attorney: Male or female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town my guess would be male!
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Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: I don't know. Are you qualified to ask that question?
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Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them! It doesn't work well with the live ones.
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Attorney: All of your responses must be oral, ok?  What college did you attend?
Witness: Oral...
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Attorney: So your baby's date of conception was September 23rd?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid!
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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?!?!
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Attorney: Your youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20. About the same as your IQ!
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Attorney: How did you know the defendant was committing a crime?
Policeman: We received an anonymous tip.
Attorney: Who gave you the tip?
Policeman: You must have me confused with a psychic.
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Witness: Then he said he'd have to kill me because I could identify him.
Attorney: Did he kill you?
Witness: No!
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Attorney: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Witness: She's my daughter.
Attorney: Was she your daughter on April 21, 1984?
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Attorney: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes, I was.
Attorney: Before or after he died?
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Attorney: I have a man here who says you did fire that shot.
Defendant: If he says I killed him he's lying!
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Attorney: Do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Just 4 times.
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