Santa, Baby: A Short & Sexy XXXmas Story
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Dirty Nursery Rhyme jokes

  
Requested in Adult & Dirty by NumeroOcho
edited by MC Hacker

85 Jokes

26 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun,
Jack got mad and kicked Jill in the ass,
cuz the bitch couldn't make him cum
26 like 0 dislike
Roll, roll, roll your joint,
pass it down the line,
take a toke and hold the smoke,
blow your fuckin' mind!
22 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high and pulled down his fly,
and Jill said "Where's the beef?"
21 like 0 dislike
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick.
But Jack wasn't nimble,
And Jack wasn't quick,
So Jack went home with a charbroiled dick!
20 like 0 dislike
The Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift her top so he could suck her tits. "No," she said, lifting her skirt, "eat me like the fuckin' book says!"
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17 like 0 dislike
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and used to beat her.
Punched her twice in the head,
Fucked her ass and went to bed.
16 like 0 dislike
There once was a young man from Kent,
Whose cock was so long that it bent.
When starting to screw,
It folded in two,
And instead of cumming he went.
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15 like 0 dislike
Hickory Dickory Dock,
This bitch was suckin' my cock,
The clock struck two,
I dumped my goo,
And dumped her at the end of the block!
15 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could see Jill's fanny,
Jack got a shock,
And an eye full of cock,
Because Jill was a closet tranny.
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13 like 0 dislike
Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was black as charcoal,
every time she stroked it,
sparks flew out its asshole.
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12 like 0 dislike
Roll, roll, roll your joint,
twist it at the end,
take a puff,
that's enough and pass it to a friend!
12 like 0 dislike
jake and jill went up the hil
so jack could lick her candy
jack got a shock
a mouth full of cock
cause jill's real name was randy
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11 like 0 dislike
Little Bo Peep fucked a sheep,
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass, so very nice,
tongued his balls, not once but twice.
11 like 0 dislike
Twinkle twinkle little slut,
Name a guy you haven't fucked,
Was he skinny, was he tall,
Nevermind you fucked em all
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10 like 0 dislike
A confused young lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits were in Dallas!
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9 like 0 dislike
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpy Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the kings men,
Finally had fucking eggs for breakfast again!
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7 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill and planned to do some kissing,
Jack took a pass and grabbed her ass,
and now two of his teeth are missing.
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7 like 0 dislike
Little Johnny Horner sat in the corner eating a pizza pie, he shit pepperoni, blew his friend tony and wiped his mouth on his tie
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Sex is a sensation
Cause by temptation
A boy stick his location
To a girl's destination
To increase the population
For the next generation
Did u understand my explanation?
Or do u need
A demonstration?
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6 like 0 dislike
A mad scientist from Racine,
Invented a beat-off machine,
On the ninety-ninth stroke,
The goddamn thing broke,
And beat his balls into cream.
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5 like 0 dislike
Walking thru the jungle with my dick in my hand meanest mother fucker in congo land... Look up in a tree what did i see black MF tryn piss on me... So i picked up a rock hit him in the cock watched that nigger do the jungle rock...
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5 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill so they could have sex jack fucked Jill so hard his dick got stuck in her
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5 like 0 dislike
i'm not calling you a slut, i'm calling you a penny : two faced, worthless and in everyone's pants.
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4 like 0 dislike
Mary Mary quite contrary,
shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
4 like 0 dislike
There once was a man called Dave

Who kept a dead whore in a cave

He says " I admit, I'm a bit of a shit

But think of the money I save"
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4 like 0 dislike
Roses are red violates are blue i love ur legs but wuts in between
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4 like 0 dislike
Rapunzel Rapunzel, cut down your hair!
Your pussy is too hairy for yo mama to care!
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4 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go to see their daughter jack slipped and fell and said what the hell and know they have another trotter!
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4 like 0 dislike
Roses are red
grass is  greener
when i think of you
i play with my wiener
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4 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
So Jack can lick Jill's fanny
Jack had a shock and a mouth full of cock
Cus Jill's a fucking tranny.
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4 like 0 dislike
roses are red
apples are green
open your legs
and i fill you with cream
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3 like 0 dislike
Humpty Dumpty sat the bed little no peep was giving him head as he came she started to weep She could tell by the taste that he'd been shagging her sheep
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3 like 0 dislike
Little boy blue, he needed the money
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3 like 0 dislike
Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?
I live in a flat you fucking twat so how the fuck should I know.
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3 like 0 dislike
I poked her standing
I poke her lying
I poked her when we went flying
But now she's dead but not forgotten
So I dug her up and I poked her rotten
Not that she's rotted and can't be found
For old times sake I poke the ground
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3 like 0 dislike
Roses are yellow
Violets are green
You'll bite the pillow and
I'll do you mean
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3 like 0 dislike
Fuck fuck fuck a duck screw a kangaroo 69 a porcupine orgy at the zoo
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3 like 0 dislike
There once was a writer named Mark,
Who encountered a cunt in the dark.
He said, "Now, by thunder,
It's a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park!
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3 like 0 dislike
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."
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3 like 0 dislike
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch old Rover a bone,
But when she bent over
Rover took over
'Cause Rover had a bone of his own
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3 like 0 dislike
There once was a genie with a 7ft weenie...he showed it to the lady next door...she thought it was a snake, so she cut it with a rake..now it's only 3ft 4...
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2 like 0 dislike
Hickory Dickery Dock
A Tramp ran up and sucked my cock
She took a shot
Until the Cum Stop
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2 like 0 dislike
They all say she ain't no good,
And I don't give a shit,
Maybe she's a loser,
But she's got some tits!
2 like 0 dislike
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I fucked your mom in the car
You were next and when I was done all u said is
Don't cum don't cum
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2 like 0 dislike
why was the guitar teacher arrested? for fingering a minor
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2 like 0 dislike
What did Hitler (Mein F├╝hrer) do when his mom walked into his kitchen?

He shut the ovens and the gas off.
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2 like 0 dislike
There once was a man from Peru and he fell asleep in a canoe, while dreaming about Venus and playing with his penus he woke with a handful of goo
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2 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijauna
Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and asked "do you wanna"
Jill said yes, unbuttoned her dress
and then they had some fun
stupid Jill fogot her pill so now they have a son
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2 like 0 dislike
Hickory Dickory Dock,
A slut was sucking my cock,
Her hair got tangled,
She got strangled,
At least she swallowed the lot.
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2 like 0 dislike
Roses are red
Lemons are sour
Open your legs
and give me an hour
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2 like 0 dislike
There was a young man from China who wasn'nt a very good climber he slipped on a rock slit his cock and now he's got a vagina
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1 like 0 dislike
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it,
He said quite crass,
As he lubed up his ass,
At last I've found a place I can tuck it!
1 like 0 dislike
What did the mathematician say to the stripper?

Subtract your clothes and divide your legs, and I will add the sperm to multiply.
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1 like 0 dislike
There once was this man named Crocket  he put his dick in a socket a bitch came in and turned on the switch and crocket took off like a rocket
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1 like 0 dislike
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over then Rover took over and got a bone of his own
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1 like 0 dislike
Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty fucked her some more,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Bent the bitch over and fucked her again.
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1 like 0 dislike
Mary had a little bike, she rode it across the grass
Everytime the wheels went round, the spokes went up her ass.
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Fucked her standing,
Fucked her lying,
If I had wings I'll fuck her flying,
Now she's dead but not forgotten,
Dig her up and fuck her rotten.
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1 like 0 dislike
Jack took Jill up the hill, for a little stunt
Jack pulled Jill's knicker down and sucked her fucking cunt
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1 like 0 dislike
Jack and Jill went into town to buy some chips and sweeties,now she can't keep her heart rate down, as she's got diabetes
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Old McDonald sittin; on a fence. Beatin' his meat with a monkey wrench. Wrench slipped, busted his balls. Shat all over his overalls.
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Roses are red, lemons are sour, spread your legs, and give me an hour
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1 like 0 dislike
Roses are red muff is a dream, go watch porn hub you will cream
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1 like 0 dislike
There was an old man from croket who went to the moon in a roket the roket went bang his bollox went twang and he found his cock in his poket
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1 like 0 dislike
There once was a man from Nantucket, Carried all of his cash in a bucket, when they asked for a check, he said oh what the heck, and rowed off in his boat and yelled Fuck it!!
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Spider,  spider on a wall you think you're smart you know fuck all
You're on a wall that's just been plastered now you're stuck you silly bastard.
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1 like 0 dislike
Under the shade of an old oak tree,
Is where Johnny lost his virginity.
When he slid it in it felt loose,
So he rammed it in her kaboose.
Her name was Heidi he had to implore,
When she asked for the money he knew she was a whore.
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0 like 0 dislike
What did the Violinist say to the stripper?

How much to finger my instrument?
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0 like 0 dislike
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had A Wife But Could Not Eat Her
Put Her In A Pumpkin Shell
And Masturbated Fast As Hell
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Hickery dickery dock,
this bitch was sucking my cock,
I cut off her leg, while she began to beg,
I came inside her peg.
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Twinkle twinkle little slut name a guy you haven't fucked was he skinny was he tall neverymind you fucked them all
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I don't care if I go crazy
Just as long as I can beat my daisy
Four times eight is thirty two
Five more pulls and I'll be through
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
And did it in the water
Jack slipped
His condom ripped
And they ended up having a daughter
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Roses are red violets are blue open your legs and I will fuck you
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If your reading this post your joke down below so we can all have a little laugh NO HARAMBE JOKES EVER HARAMBE MAKING AMERICA APE AGAIN
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There was an old woman friend m Leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds in less than an hour her tits were a flower and her cunt was covered in weeds
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what did the guy's girlfriend say when he stopped in to get laid?                 beat it I'm busy
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Stupid girl, stupid girl,
Your so naive to the world.
You met a guy his name was Mike,
From the tits on his chest you should have known he was a dyke.
The buldge in his pants you should know wasnt his cock,
 But a dildo.
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Hay didle didle the cat was playing with the fidle
The cow was fucking the moon
The little dog lungs bust
And the dish was sucking the spoon
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Mr.slaughter had a daughter that always got some dick the next that came around was about to go down then said damn bitch it smells like you had 8 kids
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Hickory Dickory Dock,
Your bitch was riddin' my cock,
The clock struck one,
She ate my CUM ,
And I kicked your BITCH back on the block!
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Hickory dickory dock, your bitch was sucking my cock, the clock struck two i found out shes a jew, oh shit where did i put my glock.
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Twinkle Twinkle little slut name one guy you havn't fucked was he skinny or was he tall nevermind you've fucked them all
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I was lost with no hope for my husband was cheating and had always got away with it because i did not know how or always too scared to pin anything on him. with the help a friend who recommended me to Cyberpros who help hack his phone,all his social applications, email, chat, sms and expose him for a cheater he is. I just want to say a big thank you to Cyberhackpros@gmail.com.Incase you need help with hacking any phone or account or other jobs contact him via email/phone (CYBERHACKPROS@GMAIL.COM) or +1 916 378 4978 Tell him i reffered you.He will help you
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Abraham Lincoln was good ole man,
Jumped out the Window with his Dick in his hand,
Said excuse me ladies, im just doing my duty, so
Bend over and give me some booty! By: Jennifer Sanstra
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