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Doctor jokes

  
Requested in Health & Beauty by MC Hacker
edited by MC Hacker

24 Jokes

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A man called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry, we can't fit you in for 2 weeks" the receptionist said. "But I could be dead by then!" the man said. "Not a problem. Your wife can let us know and then we'll cancel your appointment."
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A man who hasn't been feeling well goes to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor comes out with the results and says...

"I have some very bad news for you. You're dying and don't have much time left."
"Oh my God! How long have I got?"
"Ten."
"Ten what? Months? Weeks?"
"Nine..."
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What is black, 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
A stethoscope
Shared by Argo
edited by MC Hacker
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor responds "you're not eating properly."
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A 7-year old girl told her mother "a boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Uh oh," the mother nervously sighed. "What did you say, honey?"

"Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
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What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have and the other thinks you have what he treats.
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Urologists don't have to advertise. They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in.
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Never trust a doctor who tells you you're dead. Always get a second opinion.
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A man walks into a doctor's office with half a head of lettuce up his butt.

Doctor: That must really hurt!
Man: You have no idea. That's just the tip of the iceberg!
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What is the difference between an itch and an allergy?
A $100 office visit
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It must be wonderful to be a doctor. In what other job can you ask a girl to take her clothes off, look her over at your leisure, and then send the bill to her husband?
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Patient: Doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera.
Doctor: We'll have to just wait and see what develops.
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Doctor: It's no use. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking.
Patient: That's great. I'll come back when you're sober then!
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Patient: I've got a bad back.
Doctor: That's just old age.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: OK. You're ugly too!
Shared by a contributor
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Patient: I keep forgetting things.
Doctor: How long have you had these problems?
Patient: What problems?
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Patient: It hurts a lot when I bend my arm like this.
Doctor: I know just the cure for that.
Patient: What?
Doctor: Stop doing it!
Shared by a contributor
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Doctor: So what's the matter?
Patient: Everyone ignores me!
Doctor: Next!
Shared by a contributor
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Patient: There's something wrong with my eyes. I keep seeing an insect spinning around my head.
Doctor: Don't worry. There's a bug going around.
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Patient: Some days I feel like a teepee and other days I feel like a wigwam.
Doctor: I know what your problem is... You're two tents!
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Doctor: I wish you had come to me about this sooner.
Patient: This was the only appointment I could get 2 months ago!
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Doctor: I have to tell you... You have acute angina.
Patient: Thank you. You're making me blush!
Shared by Argo
edited by MC Hacker
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A man visits a doctor and says "I just dropped by to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment." The doctor said "but you're not one of my patients!?" The man explained "true, but my uncle Bud was and I'm heir to his fortune."
Shared by a contributor
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Why did the obstetrician make so many screwups?
He was laboring under a misconception.
Shared by a contributor
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change if they're going to see you naked anyway?

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