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Lawyer jokes

  
Requested in Jobs & Business by MC Hacker
edited by MC Hacker

23 Jokes

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was repeatedly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice about their ailments.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking for free legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them" said the lawyer "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked but agreed to try it. The next day, still feeling guilty, the doctor filled out the bills. When he went to mail them in his mailbox he found a bill from the lawyer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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What is the difference between lawyers and vampires?
A vampire will only suck blood at night.
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How can you tell if a lawyer is well-hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
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How do you know if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop fucking you once you are dead!
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How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side. Then he lies on the other.
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How are lawyers like sperm?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
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What is the difference between a group of lawyers driving a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside!
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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
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What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How to be a good lawyer:
1. When the law is against you argue the facts.
2. When the facts are against you argue the law.
3. When both are against you call the other lawyers names.
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Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet underground?
Because deep down they're really nice guys.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the chair, one to screw it in and one to write the liability insurance.
Shared by a contributor
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What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum-sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
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What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.
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A guy walked into a bar and shouted "lawyers are assholes!" Another guy walked over and yelled at him "hey, I resent that statement!"

"Are you a lawyer?" the first guy asked him.

The man replied "no, I'm an asshole!"
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What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
Shared by a contributor
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Why did the postal service recall the new series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.
Shared by NumeroOcho
edited by MC Hacker
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Lawyer: I am suing you for defamation of character.
Defendant: But you have no character!?
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You're stuck in an elevator with a lion, a tiger, and a lawyer. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead!
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