HellMarry.com

Do you take this bitch to be your wife?


Five Finger Tees

Roadkill T-Shirts
You are a pill babe

Fake Parking Tickets
Being an idiot isn't a crime so you're free to go

Smartass Shirts

Marriage jokes

  

47 Jokes

4 like 0 dislike
You know the honeymoon is over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights. And so does she...
2 like 0 dislike
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 pounds
2 like 0 dislike
A husband says "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her..."
Shared by a contributor
2 like 0 dislike
What is it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?
"Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?"
1 like 0 dislike
A man was crying at the foot of a gravestone in a cemetary. "Why did you have to die?" he sobbed. Another man walked by and asked "I'm sorry for your loss -- was he your father?" "No, he was my wife's first husband!"
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
One guy says to the other "So how did that fight with your wife end?"

"Oh, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!" the other says.

"Well, what did she say?"

"Get out from under the bed!"
1 like 0 dislike
A husband and wife are having a fight on their 40th anniversary.

The husband shouts "When you die I'm getting you a headstone that says 'Here Lies my Wife -- Cold as Ever.'"

His wife snaps back "Well, when you kick the bucket I'm getting one that says 'Here Lies my Husband -- Stiff at Last!'"
Shared by a contributor
edited by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
A man placed an ad in the classifieds saying "Wife Wanted." The next day he got hundreds of responses. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
Wife (looking lovingly into her husband's eyes): What did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?
Husband: I don't know but I'll never do it again!
1 like 0 dislike
Which food decreases a woman's sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake
1 like 0 dislike
Why doesn't anyone ask about your sex life when you're married?
They know you don't have one!
1 like 0 dislike
Husband: What would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: Take half and leave your ass!
Husband: Great! I won $12. Here's 6 - now get out!
1 like 0 dislike
T-Shirt: "I do what the voices in my wife's head tell me."
1 like 0 dislike
Father-in-law: Young man, can you support a family?
Man: No. I was just planning on supporting your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves!
1 like 0 dislike
Husband: I can't remember the last time we made love.
Wife: I can. That's why we're not doing it again!
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing... He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing!
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
"Women view a relationship like a garden. You have to work on it for it to grow into something beautiful. Men view a relationship like a car. Once they've made a commitment to buy one, they expect it to go at least 5 years without any serious maintenance."
-Red Green
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married. By then it was too late.
0 like 0 dislike
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
A widow.
0 like 0 dislike
"I could see being married one day... two days tops."
Shared by Argo
edited by MC Hacker
0 like 0 dislike
A married couple finds a wishing well. The man leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife also decides to make a wish but she leans too far over, falls into the well, and drowns. The husband says "Wow, it really works!"
0 like 0 dislike
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
0 like 0 dislike
A little boy asked his father how it cost to get married. The father replied "I don't know son -- I'm still paying."
0 like 0 dislike
A man complained to his friend "I had it all... money, a huge house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then pow! It was all gone."

"What happened?" his friend asked. The man told him "my wife found out."
0 like 0 dislike
Why are bachelors thin and married men fat?
Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married men come home, check to see what's in bed, and then go to the fridge.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
A woman says "I was married to Bill for 3 months. I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober..."
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
A child at a Christian school was studying the beginnings of Mormonism. He wrote in his paper "early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called 'polygamy.' Christians believe in having only one wife. This is called 'monotony.'"
0 like 0 dislike
A guy was telling his friend "I can't break my wife of her habit of staying up until 5 a.m. in the morning." His friend asked what she was doing. "Waiting for me to get home," the guy said.
0 like 0 dislike
Why do you live like a nun after getting married?
NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the evening, NUN whatsoever!
0 like 0 dislike
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear your briefs, don't you?
0 like 0 dislike
A woman walks into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. She tells the clerk "it's for my husband." The clerk asks  "did he tell you which gauge to get?" She says "are you kidding me? He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!"
0 like 0 dislike
The ideal life for many men...
Son on the cover of a Wheaties box.
Mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
Wife pictured on the back of a milk carton!
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
There was a lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell!
0 like 0 dislike
There's a new men's magazine just for married men. It's like Playboy and Penthouse but the centerfold is the same month after month after month!
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
Husband: Will you marry after I die?
Wife: No, I'll live with my sister. Will you marry after I die?
Husband: No. I'll also live with your sister.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
The tri stages of sex in marriage:
1. Tri-weekly
2. Try-weekly
3. Try-weakly
0 like 0 dislike
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?
Bob: Uh, I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
0 like 0 dislike
Wife: Before we were married we had something special and wonderful. What happened to it?
Husband: You spent it all.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
Make love, not war (or if you want to do both get married!).
0 like 0 dislike
Husband: Honey, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.
Wife: Well, if you really love me you'll bring me something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.

The husband agrees. The next day:

Wife: Where's my present?
Husband: It's in the driveway.

His wife excitedly runs out to the driveway and finds a weight scale.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
Wife: Before we married, you told me you were well-off.
Husband: I was, I just didn't know it at the time.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
If your father is a poor man it's your fate. If your father-in-law is a poor man it's your stupidity.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
0 like 0 dislike
Hello every body my name is Synder Anderson I just want to share my experience with the world on how Lord Alika help me, I got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 3 years with 1 kid and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and argued almost e very time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because I love him so much and don’t want to lose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house because it was a rented apartment and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try  reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used his power… Within 4 days my husband called me and he said he was sorry for all the emotional pains he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily and our kid is happy too and we are expecting our second child… and my Husband also got a new job and our lives became much better  web:http://lordalikaspelltemp8.wix.com/http  I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news..contact him on lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk or +13217666393.  web:http://lordalikaspelltemp8.wix.com/http
0 like 0 dislike
Amazing testimony of a real and powerful love Spell to get your Ex back fast? After 13 yrs of marriage,a very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago, between me and my husband.so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he [visited.Unityspelltemple@gmail.com]. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr.Unity, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at:[ Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ],you can also call or Add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 (Wendy Owen,UK).
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
GET YOUR EX WIFE, EX GIRLFRIEND, EX BOYFRIEND AND SOLVE ALL TYPE OF PROBLEM THROUGH COVENANTSOLUTIONTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM. My name is Enoch Davies
.my wife and I got married 6 years ago and we were so much in love with each other, we have 2 kids(josh and rebecca). One day my wife came back home from her friends place and she told me that she wants us to file for a divorce that she's no longer interested in our marriage, i was surprise and everything seem to me like a joke. after then i tried all my best to get her back but there was no way. but to no avail, my heart was broken, i wondered whats happening .i was on facebook when i saw a post on how  Dr Ewan helped a lady to bring back her lost husband. i was scared but because i love my wife so much and I am ready to do anything to bring her back. I decided to give it a try by contacting him via email:covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com, So when i contacted him i narrated everything to him and he said my case is not a serious one that my husband will come back to me within 18 hours if i believe in his power.he told me to do some things to do which i did before 18 hours, my wife called me on phone and was crying for forgiveness. right now we are now a new branded family with more happiness, we are even going on vacation on xmas. please if any one of you out there is passing through same issue in your marriage, relationship issues contact Dr Ewan today or call or add him on whatsapp on +234905735398 or check out his webpage http://allwomenstalk.com/p/58034af4f725a97d108b4569. contact him today on covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com now.
. I will keep on sharing the good news about this. Thanks Dr.
Shared by a contributor

Your joke

Anti-spam verification:
To avoid this verification in future, please log in or register.
Jokes contributed may be rewritten, recategorized, removed, and/or reordered for any reason. Deal with it.

Related jokes

5 jokes
Requested in Relationships & Family by Argo
GET YOUR EX WIFE, EX GIRLFRIEND, EX BOYFRIEND AND SOLVE ALL TYPE...
39 jokes
Requested in Childrens & Clean by JustMe
GET YOUR EX WIFE, EX GIRLFRIEND, EX BOYFRIEND AND SOLVE ALL TYPE...
3 jokes
Requested in Relationships & Family by JustMe
"I didn't always have money. At one time I didn't know where my...
8 jokes
Requested in Relationships & Family by Argo
GET YOUR EX WIFE, EX GIRLFRIEND, EX BOYFRIEND AND SOLVE ALL TYPE...
2 jokes
Requested in Relationships & Family by Argo
Why does the bride always wear white? So the dishwasher matches...