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Masturbation jokes

  
Requested in Health & Beauty by MC Hacker
edited by The Joker

75 Jokes

33 like 0 dislike
When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
28 like 0 dislike
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack & Jill. However, Both Jack & Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.

So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma.

"Hey Jill, I have a problem."

"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks

"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"

"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
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18 like 0 dislike
A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked. "You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says. "Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?" The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."
17 like 0 dislike
What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A liar
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17 like 0 dislike
Two people is a twosome

Three people is a threesome

That is why they call me handsome ;)
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16 like 0 dislike
How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Tell them you can't cum.
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12 like 0 dislike
Jim: I hear there's a sperm bank in the castle?
Reggie: Yeah. I guess it might not be so bad to be blown to Kingdom Cum now...
11 like 0 dislike
A father tells his son to stop jacking off. "You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says. The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."
9 like 0 dislike
How did Pinocchio know he was made out of wood?
He got splinters on his hand after masturbating.
9 like 0 dislike
If masturbating was a crime I would be on death row!
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A penis was placed into a latex glove

And it felt soooo good
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8 like 0 dislike
If moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
6 like 0 dislike

I got to get in that Moro Islamic Liberation Front!

 

Shared by NumeroOcho
edited by MC Hacker
5 like 0 dislike
Husband: Honey, I'm stuck up here on the roof. I need some help getting down.
Wife: Tommy, can you come help your Uncle Jack off?
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Masturbating comes in handy!
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Little Johnny walks into his big brother's room and finds him masturbating.

"What are you doing?"  says Little Johnny.

"I'm making man-gravy," says his brother.  A few moments later, he squirts his load onto his chest.  Then he gets some tissues and starts to clean it up.

"You said you were making man-gravy," says Little Johnny.  "How come you made it if you're not eating it?"

"Well," says Little Johnny's brother, "man-gravy is a lot more fun to cook than it is to eat."
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5 like 0 dislike
A girl is watching porn while mastrubating.She's having a great time until she orgasms. :D
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4 like 0 dislike
What do you call a 90-year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
4 like 0 dislike
What do you call a bull that masturbates?
Beef Stroginoff
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4 like 0 dislike
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker
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4 like 0 dislike
A 13-year old virgin discovers masturbation. After doing it several nights in a row, her only complaint is: "Every time I stick my hand in, I pee all over myself!"
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4 like 0 dislike
Doctor: You need to stop masturbating.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!
4 like 0 dislike
Masturbating is for dicks.
4 like 0 dislike
A 12-year-old boy is going to summer camp for the first time.  He's clearly very nervous as his mother's car pulls away.  His camp counselor, seeing that he's very nervous, tells him, "Don't worry.  You can ask me anything.  Is there something that's bothering you?"

"Yes, there is something I was worried about," the boy says.  "How can I masturbate?"

The camp counselor is a bit taken aback, but he starts to explain.  "Ok, first you get an erection..."  And he carefully explains the whole process, describing what an erection is, possible grips to use, lubes, speed, ejaculation, and semen cleanup.

The boy listens very attentively and then says, "But how can I do it at camp?"
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3 like 0 dislike
"I can't beat masturbation! It's sex with someone I love."
3 like 0 dislike
How did the mother know her daughter was masturbating during her period?
She was caught red-handed.
3 like 0 dislike
Why did the wood truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.
3 like 0 dislike
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong pair of socks.
3 like 0 dislike
If a man jumps on you, would you beat him off?
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3 like 0 dislike

Shared by If Then
edited by MC Hacker
3 like 0 dislike
Y'know, masturbation jokes rub me wrong way.
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3 like 0 dislike
98% of men masturbate. the other 2% no hands
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3 like 0 dislike
Mom- Billy, you have many tissues in your room.
Billy- Yeah, I had a really "Jizzy" nose. Uh, I mean, Drippy.
Mom- Must have been very "Hard" for you.
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2 like 0 dislike
What is the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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"My family was poor when I was growing up. Luckily I was born a boy so I had something to play with..."
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If Jack was stuck on a horse would you help Jack off?
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2 like 0 dislike
What's the diference between an egg and a wank ?

YOU CAN BEAT AN EGG
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2 like 0 dislike
"My problem is that my computer won't connect to the internet," says the guy.

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "All right, follow these instructions carefully.  First unzip your fly--" And she gives him detailed instructions to jerk off, right until he unloads.

"Did that solve your problem?" she says.

"Well, my computer still can't connect to the internet," the guy says.

"Oh, did you think this was tech support?  You have the wrong number."
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2 like 0 dislike
I WAS SEXUALY ACTIVE AT 12 , ITS NOW 12:30 AND MY RIGHT ARM IS KILLING ME
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2 like 0 dislike
When do guys usually jerk off?

Whenever they can!
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2 like 0 dislike
What do you call a 40 year old woman that has never watched lesbian porn?
A liar
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1 like 0 dislike
What is a yankee?
The same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.
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1 like 0 dislike
teacher. when two things rub together thats called friction, it makes it hard to rub things together,me. so thats why we need lube!
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'' sorry mom I came unannounced ''
'' that's ok, that's what your father did, that's why we had you. ''
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1 like 0 dislike
Why is semen like money?

Because neither is any good except when you're getting rid of it!
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1 like 0 dislike
A man buys some cheap lunchmeat.  He tries making a sandwich with it, but it tastes so rubbery that he doesn't want to finish the sandwich.  But he has a thought:  could it be used for masturbating?

So he takes the remaining lunchmeat and wraps it around his cock.  Sure enough, it's warm and soft and just the right texture, and he shoots off with the greatest orgasm of his life.

So the next day he goes to the store to buy more of this lunchmeat, but it's not there.  He asks the deli attendant about it, who says, "Yeah, most people say that that lunchmeat tastes pretty rubbery, so I don't order very much of it.  You'd be just about the only person who buys it.  Get here early if you want it."

So he gets to the supermarket as early as he can.  Sometimes it's there, and when it is, he takes it home and has a good time with it.  When it's not, he uses his hand.

One day, he sees an old lady buying the lunchmeat.  He blurts out, "So you're the one who's been buying my rubber vaginas!"

She looks at him right in the eye and says, "No, young man, you've been buying my dildo wraps."
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1 like 0 dislike
A dumb person who wants a wank - he gets a bar of soap and tissue paper - instead of hand soap and tissue
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1 like 0 dislike
What's the difference between you and your wife's vibrator?

She doesn't make the vibrator sleep on the couch.
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1 like 0 dislike
A guy with a small cock who likes to jerk off into condoms has a hard-on, unrolls a condom on, and starts stroking.  Only a few strokes in, and the condom starts smoking.  The guy doesn't stop--after all, when you've got your hand on your cock, there's not much that can get in the way of that-- and the condom keep smoking.  Soon the smoke forms itself into a man standing by the guy's bed.

"Thank God!  I thought I was going to have to stay in that thing forever!" says the genie (because it was a genie).  "No one ever buys the small condoms.  I'll give you three wishes."

The man, whose only thought is on what's going on between his hand and his cock, says, "I'd like a bigger cock."

Foosh!  His cock doubles in size.  It feels amazing.  He's enjoying jerking off the whole length of it, and he thinks, well, two is better than one, right?

"I wish I had two cocks like this," he says.

Foosh!  He's got two massive cocks, both rock-hard, and he jerks them both off like he's skiing.  The pleasure is incredible.  And he thinks, well, can't I do better...?

"I wish I had genitals that could give me the most pleasure a human is capable of experiencing," pants the man.

Foosh!  The penises turn into a vagina.
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1 like 0 dislike
The ambulance rushes the guy into the emergency room.  He's covered in blood, cuts oozing blood, and has pieces of wood sticking out of him.

"What's wrong with this guy?" says the nurse.

"He liked masturbating just a little too much," says the EMT.

"What?  Masturbating is harmless!  It shouldn't cause any of this!"

"It does if you do it while using a table saw."
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1 like 0 dislike
How much semen can a man produce in 24 hours?

I don't know, but I can tell you tomorrow!
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1 like 0 dislike
Masturbation aids for:

Regular men: Fleshlight

Lonely men:  a vagina-shaped Fleshlight

Men who really liked Avatar:  a Navii Fleshlight

Hopeful men: a condom

Cheap men:  A banana peel

Gay men: a dildo

Cheap gay men: a cucumber

Kinky men: a piece of rope

Really kinky men: a live chicken

Cheap kinky men: a rubber ducky

Men who like to experiment: a shotglass

Double Dick Dude: a 2-liter soda bottle

Japanese men: a Tenga

Pervy Japanese men: used panties

Weightlifters: a barbell

Exhibitionists:  a webcam

14-year-old boys: an extra-large box of tissues
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1 like 0 dislike
The doctors where when id come around i said just gimme a minute
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0 like 0 dislike
How is a road trip like masturbating?

Because the journey is fun, the destination is great, but the souvenirs you're left with are worthless!
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What's the difference between semen and a porcupine?

Semen feels a whole lot better as it exits your body!
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There once was a sailor named Brame
Who shot with such force when he came
That it went clear through the wall
And straight down the hall
And made the captain and crew all go lame.
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Man- want To Fuck Me?
Girl- uhh.. Where? My mom is home and she'll catch me and you.. And i bet your parents are home too..
Boy- I HAVE A PLAN!
Girl- Where are we going?
Boy- the forrest!
Girl- isnt there a par-
Boy- Shhhhh! We are almost there!
Girl- Okay..
Boy- i gotta stop the car.. I need a piss..
Girl- oh okay..
Boy- *goes behind bushes to masturbate*
Girl- *looks through CD drawer And finds a plastic dildo*
Boy- OHH YEAA!!! UGHHH
Girl- *Puts Dildo Up Vagina Ughhhh!!! YEAA!
Later...
Boy- im back. Sorry i took so long.. Uhh why are you a mess?
Girl- where you eating ice cream again?!
Boy- nope.. Oh shoot
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What's the difference between good and great?

Good is 2 tissues; great is 4 tissues.
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What is the difference between a 69 and a 68?
you give me head and I owe you one!
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What do guys do at night after they jerk off but before they go to sleep?

Jerk off again!
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edited by MC Hacker
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How does a guy masturbate on the space station?

The same way he always does!
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What is the sound of happiness?

Fap fap fap fap fap fap... ahh!
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What goes, "Oh yeah... oh yeah... (pant)... oh yeah... Ugh! ... AAAAAHHH! (plop)"?

A guy masturbating on a tightrope!
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What pants, squirts whitish liquid, and is 18 feet tall?

A masturbating giraffe!
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A guy stumbles into an optometrist's office, with his hand over one eye painfully.

"What happened to you?" said the receptionist.

"I was masturbating," said the guy.

"Really?  Masturbation shouldn't have any effect on your eyes at all!" the receptionist said.

"It does if you get semen in your eye," the guy says.
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0 like 0 dislike
How fast can a man ejaculate after he starts masturbating?

I don't know.  Do you have a stopwatch?
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What goes, "oh yeah... Oh yeah... Oh yeah... Uhhh!  ...Oh, crap."?

A guy who just realized he left a semen stain on the couch!
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What do you get when you beat the meat?

Trouser gravy!
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How do dates go between Ms. Palm and the bald guy?

They both have fun until the bald guy pukes!  It happens every time!
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What do you get when you buff the banana?

Banana cream!
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What do you call a 14 year old boy home alone

Wanking
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Nothing is better than Sex.  Masturbation is better than Nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
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a man was walking down wan king path (a real place in hong kong, google it) when he saw a man masterbating, he asked why he was doing that, and the man said "the sign said it was a masterbating path"
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Man is standing naked in front of his wife.  Wife tells him he is so fat he can't even reach his dick to jack off.  She says "you need to diet".

He looks down and says you are right.  What color do you want it?
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Why does the aquaphobe jerk off with a condom? Because he is afraid to get his dick wet!
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