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Psychiatrist jokes

  

26 Jokes

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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are anxious just press numbers at random.
If you are manic-depressive it doesn't matter which numbers you press. No one will answer.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have a phobia don't press anything.
If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace the call.
If you are anal retentive please hold.
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Did you hear about the psychiatrist who gave his son a set of mental blocks for Christmas?
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The secretary walks into a psychiatrist's office and says "There's a patient in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist replies "Tell him I can't see him."
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A man sees a therapist and says "Doctor, I'm suicidal. What should I do?" The doctor responds "Pay in advance."
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Patient: Doctor, no one believes a word I say.
Psychiatrist: Tell me truth now. What's your real problem?
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under a lot of stress and I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: OK. Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did! Didn't I!? You stupid fool!!!
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But he must consult the DSM-IV.
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Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
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Patient: Everyone hates me.
Doctor: Don't be ridiculous. Everyone hasn't met you yet.
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A psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The bulb will change itself when it's ready.
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Doctor: So what are your feelings on this apathy?
Patient: I couldn't care less.
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Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock!
Doctor: Just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up.
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Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Doctor: Please wait a minute and then I'll deal with you.
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Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit down and tell me all about it.
Patient: I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
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Patient: Doctor, I feel like it's curtains for me...
Doctor: Pull yourself together!
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Patient: I think I'm a bridge.
Psychiatrist: What's come over you?
Patient: Two cars, a truck, and a motorcycle so far...
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Patient: I think I'm a thief!
Doctor: What have you taken for it?
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
How long have you been having this "light bulb" fantasy?
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People who go to see shrinks should have their head examined!
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Doctor: Do you ever have trouble making decisions?
Patient: Well... Yes and no.
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Psychiatrist: What does this drawing remind you of?
Patient: Sex.
Psychiatrist: What about this other drawing?
Patient: Sex.
Psychiatrist: What about this one?
Patient: Sex.
Psychiatrist: I see. And these?
Patient: Sex and sex.
Psychiatrist: I just showed you drawings of a house, a square, a circle, a triangle, and a diamond. It seems to me you have a fixation with sex.
Patient: Me? Who's the one drawing all these dirty pictures?
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a 2nd opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too!
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What's funny about psychiatry?

Nothing - they are corrupt, profit-driven, prescription-happy frauds that entrap their patients with addictive medications and perpetuate torturous treatments like ECT that lead to long-term, concussive brain damage, and neurological degenerative diseases, without any legal or professional accountability...and yet ironically they wield unprecedented legal powers over their clients. The history of psychiatry - especially in its treatment of women, the LGBT community and other vulnerable minorities - is comparable to the holocaust, except it has lasted much longer, unabated. Its like having a page dedicated to jokes to childhood sexual abuse - there is just no fodder for humor here - not a scrap.
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I just want to thank the person who said there is nothing funny about shrinks. I am one of those suffered great harm, nervous system damage and a heightened propensity for early onset-dementia after twenty years, Three years ago, I was poly-drugged on eight medications and then plunged into withdrawal, dropped of the cliff in five days. Even been through combined Cymblata, Clonazepam withdrawal?

I hope not. It takes your mind to the darkest place. For the past three years, I have continued to struggle tapering off benzos in particular, though I pray this year is a new beginning. These fraudulent monsters kill people - their drugs kill people - all the time - many people die from lethal seizures of commit suicide from less than what happened to me.

Jokes directed at shrinks don;t bother me. Jokes directed at psychiatric patients are unconscionable. To joke about schizophrenia?

Please get a conscience.
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